[ Being told to shut up doesn't bother Castiel as Dean is often needlessly abrasive. Being told he's wrong about his own grace does bother him, though, and Castiel glares at Dean while Dean cleans the wound in his side again. Castiel's expression must be somewhere between anger and a pout, but he isn't thinking at all about what his face must look like. Why should he? This isn't his true form, he is his grace, and his grace will revitalize itself and this body. To believe otherwise is to accept that he's lost his identity as an angel, and he's already lost so much. His home, his ties to Heaven, his belief in God, the brethren he's killed... ]
It will heal me.
[ Castiel's hands fist petulantly at his sides, and he stares up at the Impala's ceiling as he feels in its full intensity the throb of pain in his side, the coolness of the alcohol on his skin, and the warmth of Dean's hands. He wants Dean to lie with him in this nest of motel blanket that smells like the gently floral shampoo in Dean's hair, encased in metal and leather of the place Dean calls home. He wants to forget that he's injured, forget that he's lost most of his grace, and forget that there is a war between angels and the end of the world to prevent. But he can't forget any of it, any more than he can forget the taste of Dean's mouth on his lips. Once Dean's taped the clean bandage to his skin, Castiel pulls Dean's hands away, careful to make his grip firm in order to mask any remaining shaking of them. ]
[ Sassy, sassy. He holds a hand up in defeat, shaking his head. He won't press the issue, but there's physical evidence there's something wrong, that Cas isn't healing like he should be. All Dean knows to do is patch him up like he would his brother.
With a little more care, though.
Dean's used to slapping Sam back together and running right back into a fight - or vice versa. With Cas, he's more careful, gentle. Soft and sweet, the hands of a lover as opposed to a soldier.
He's struck with the fantastic notion to just run, take those hands Cas has wrapped around his, pulling them away from the bandages, and run.
As far away as they can get. Cancun. Alaska. Another planet. Anywhere but here, any place but this.
He wets his lips, presses them together as he watches Cas, gripping his hands just as tightly. ]
[ Dean may be right, but the potential loss of his grace is a sensitive issue to Castiel, and he's grateful when Dean backs down. His hands covering Dean's relax slightly, and he's surprised to find Dean still holding on tightly. He lifts his eyes to look at Dean as he considers his answer to the question, and more importantly, why Dean is asking it. ]
Often. And until recently, I've done what I was ordered to do, anyway. Usually to your detriment.
[ Of course Castiel feels the need for rebellion. Even before he'd sided with Dean and humanity, he'd questioned the orders he was given. To release Sam into Lilith's clutches and break the final seal on Lucifer's cage. To recruit Dean to torture information out of Alistair. To threaten the leveling of a city as a test of Dean's convictions.
Dean knows all of that (or most of it). That's not why he's asking. It's easy enough to read Dean's doubt there in his beautifully expressive eyes. Castiel looks down at their joined hands again as he considers their options. He slides his fingers over Dean's, links them together. ]
You said Sam that had a partner, Rufus. He's in contact with Bobby as well. If you believe they're not in immediate need of your help, it may be more conducive to the recovery of my grace if I were to rest somewhere... peaceful. A cabin in a forest, for example. Somewhere near a lake.
[ He almost laughs, because yes - Cas has occasionally been a pain in his ass. Cas comes through, though. He comes through when Dean needs him to. ]
Yeah, well. You make up for it.
[ He doesn't know Cas let Sam out - not yet. Admittedly it will piss Dean off, but what's done is done and in the end, there's nothing that Dean can do about it now except try to fix what got fucked up best he can, somehow.
And maybe...sneak a reward for himself in the process, in the form of whatever this...thing is developing between them. ]
Yeah, Rufus is with him. It's a standard monster hunt. No Lucifer, no demon, just a baddie that needs to be iced. [ Sam is more than capable, and since it isn't a demon, Dean isn't overly worried about the blood thing. ]
I'm sure I can find a place like that.
[ Because holy shit that sounds...really nice. He'll squeeze Cas' hands before letting go, pulling back and out of the car so he can shut the door and call his brother, explain a little more about what's going on - Cas isn't healing like he should, he needs to go somewhere and recover and Dean feels like he should watch over him, cause you know him, Sammy, he's as bad as us, thinks he's invincible or something when right now, he isn't.
Sam will just laugh, and Dean can practically hear him shake his head and he feels good, better about this, because Sam laughs and he's safe and it's okay. They're talking. They're good. It's fine.
Sam updates Dean about the case, too - it's just a vengeful spirit, it turns out. Nothing world ending, for once. Just the stuff they used to hunt, ages ago. He tells Dean to be careful, to stay under the angel radar as much as he can - the brands on their ribs protect them but he isn't sure about Cas, if Zachariah can track him or what.
We'll be fine, I'm gonna take him somewhere quiet. When you're done with that, get your ass back to Bobby's and you call me, you understand?
I hear you, Dean.
He hangs up, because the Winchesters really just don't have any phone etiquette, and slides into the drivers seat, resting his hands on the impala. He has an idea about where to go, a secluded place he's sort of half assed researched before in his free time, if just because he liked the idea of it. It isn't all that far from here, a few hours drive at most. A quick survey of a map puts the route in his head, and he folds it up before glancing over his shoulder. ]
[ There won't ever be enough "making up" for the things Castiel's done in his life, but that doesn't mean it isn't worth trying. The holy oil was what he thought would benefit Dean and his cause most dramatically, but perhaps he was overlooking a more important, more human, thing Dean needs. Some rest and time away from his responsibilities may rejuvenate Dean in ways Castiel has seen before.
Castiel can only just barely make out Dean's voice through the door as he talks on his phone, but the conversation sounds lighthearted. That's good. As long as Dean and Sam remain on good terms, maybe it doesn't matter that there's distance between them. Castiel isn't entirely sure how that works. The relationship with his brothers and sisters is nothing like Dean and Sam's and never was.
The bleeding seems to have stopped, so Castiel chances careful slow movements. He pulls the blanket back up over his chest and curls his head under his arm so that he can see Dean's profile in the rearview mirror. The pain isn't gone, but it's dulled back to a quiet throbbing warmth. ]
Yes, the bedding is very comfortable. Thank you.
[ His eyelids threaten to fall shut, heavy with exhaustion, but he keeps them opened, watching Dean's reflection with interest and quiet concern. ]
[ He smiles a little to himself, wrapping his fingers around the wheel with one hand as he cranks the car with the other, engine roaring to life. ]
Glad to hear it. [ A quick glance in the rearview has him meeting Cas' eyes, and this time he does smile, reassuring. ]
Sam's fine. It's just a pissed off spirit. Rufus is good backup - they'll be fine. Once they're finished, he'll go back to Bobby's and lay low for a while.
[ It's the best scenario Dean can come up with right now - especially with Cas being hurt like he is, and between the brothers and their dueling savior complexes, it's the only compromise he can think of. ]
You should get some rest, Cas. I'll wake you when we get there.
[ Most of Castiel's decisions, he questions. He was created to follow orders, and though that came with its own sense of guilt, ultimately, the responsibility lay elsewhere. Even following Dean's example gives him comfort in that the decisions aren't wholly his own. When he's forced into a situation where he needs to think for himself, then things become more difficult, and when things end badly, as they had on his last excursion, the regret is cavernous. This decision, though, already has Dean smiling at him, and no matter what comes of it, whether his grace recovers or not, or whether Sam overpowers Bobby as he's done before in pursuit of Lucifer, he won't regret the decision to take Dean somewhere he'll enjoy and see him happy, however fleeting. Dean deserves that much.
Castiel nods and lets his heavy eyelids fall closed, even before he answers. ]
That's good to hear. Wake me sooner if the need arises.
[ He's very tired, exhausted enough that as soon as his eyes are closed, his breathing begins to even out and his thoughts start to wander. Still, if Dean needs him before the trip is over, he wants to be awake for it. He may not be of any use in a fight or similar distress, but if Dean is lonely and needs company on the drive, at least that's something he could provide. Castiel realized at some point that as much as he takes pride in being a resource at Dean's (and humanity's) disposal, he doesn't just want to be that. He takes pride in being Dean's friend just as much, and he'd considered that something of a selfish desire before now. Now, he thinks that Dean might need a friend even more than an angel, at least until the dissonance with his brother is resolved. ]
[ As much as Dean does get bored in the car alone, he doesn't wake Cas. He checks on him from time to time in the rearview, watching him sleep, making sure he's breathing, but beyond that Dean won't wake him. Cas needs the rest to heal, cause...well.
That's what humans do, isn't it.
Jeez, that's a terrifying thought. Cas actually asleep, like the rest of humanity...
It worries Dean. A lot.
He exhales long and slow through his nose, checks his phone every so often. Sam's keeping him updated, but he's still...stressed. He's stressed about everything. About his brother, about his Back to the Future trip, about confrontations with Zachariah, about the wounded angel in his backseat...
Fucks sake. It's far too much for someone to handle, but he is doing the best he can with the cards he's been dealt. And right now, he's driving them to an isolated cabin he knows of, somewhere a few hours out. The silence is boring, but it gives him time to take a few breaths and calm down.
He only stops once for gas and more bandages, a few snacks and a quick pee, but Cas doesn't budge, which concerns Dean until he sees the angels chest rising and falling.
Eventually, he'll pull up the drive into the cabin; it's pretty out there, no neighbors in sight. It's all solar, off grid. No wifi, but there's a tower just close enough to provide cell reception. Situated on a serene lake, it's a little mountain oasis - precisely the kind of thing he's always craved.
Gently, when he's parked, he'll shake Cas awake. ]
Cas. We're here.
okay but that's a nice cabin???? now i want a vacay there
[ Sleeping is a strange sort of practice, but it's not all that different from meditation, a practice with which Castiel is very familiar. Dreaming, however, is an entirely new experience, and Castiel doesn't like it. The dream of Dean's which he'd entered was peaceful, serene, but he understands not all dreams are like that. He's not sure what the difference is, though. What decides whether one has a good dream or a bad one? He'll have to ask Dean at some point. He'd like to dream less of Heaven in the future and more of the lakes and forest cabins of Earth.
The memory of his dreams of Heaven and all their terror fades almost instantly once Dean's hand is on his shoulder, rousing him. Castiel's eyes blink open, and he lifts his head. The wound in his stomach is barely an itch, and so he sits up almost immediately without thinking about it. Luckily, it only tugs and doesn't tear. Castiel barely grimaces, his attention divided instead between Dean there in front of him and the view of forest through the Impala's windows. ]
How was the drive?
[ He should've asked how long they'd be in the car before they'd left, out of concern for Dean, but he was exhausted. It's not a very good excuse, but now that he's feeling recovered somewhat, he searches Dean's face for signs of wear. ]
[ He leans in, offers a hand. Dean is smiling at his little joke (but Cas does snore, just a little bit), but he looks weary - physically and mentally. There are circles under red rimmed eyes, lids a little puffy.
He's fine, though. Just needs an hour nap at some point and he'll be good as new. ]
[ The advice to move with caution doesn't stop Castiel from sitting up quickly, but the comment about snoring has him going completely still. His head tilts and he squints are Dean, trying to discern meaning from the tone of Dean's voice and what little Castiel knows about human anatomy. Does snoring mean he's unhealthy? Should he be embarrassed about the behavior? It's the interruption to Dean's quiet that has him mentioning it, Castiel finally decides. He has no idea if Dean is joking, but better to err on the side of caution. ]
My apologies.
[ Dean looks as if he could use rest himself, so Castiel makes a note to mention it once they're inside. He unravels himself from the blanket, leaving it abandoned in the car as he takes Dean's hand, grateful for the assistance up out of the seat. Before he's even completely standing, he's looking around. It's not the view he'd pictured, likely because the lake is on the other side of the cabin and trees. Already, though, the view is peaceful. The road they must've driven down is empty now. There are insect noises and birdsong, and other than Dean himself and the cabin in front of them, no sign of human life anywhere. This is perfect, Castiel decides instantly. If Dean is going to get the rest he needs anywhere, it will be here. ]
Nah, don't apologize. It was so...angelic. [ He grins, flashing Cas a little wink as he helps him out of the car, muscling up under his shoulder, arm around his waist. ]
Somewhere in Indiana. [ He thinks. ] I saw this place in a picture once, when I was a kid. I cut it out of a magazine, and later, when the internet came around, I finally found out where it was. The owners used to go away a lot, it was just some old retired couple. Their kids own it now, they never come here, so they just rent it out. They live somewhere in the suburbs of Indianapolis. This is too 'rustic'.
[ But Dean likes it. It has charm. He could never afford this on his own, but...
A splurge. Or maybe an illegal stay, who's to say. ]
[ The first joke might have gone over Castiel's head, but this one is much more transparent. Not a health issue, then. He levies Dean an unimpressed stare, though it likely loses some of its bite by the flush of his cheeks, as Castiel is almost as embarrassed by the joke as he is made warm by that smile and that wink. Dean is absolutely incorrigible, and Castiel is deeply in love.
The story paints a vivid picture, and Castiel is far more interested in Dean reminiscing about his childhood and his dreams of this place than of its physical location. He watches Dean as Dean explains his relation to this place and where the owners are, and then Castiel gives his attention back to the forest and the cabin in front of them. ]
Isn't it strange that an angel could feel more connection to nature than some humans, when we're so much further apart from it.
[ Castiel's true form doesn't even exist in the same dimension as the physical forms the Earth has birthed. It's a shame to think that some people might not appreciate the beauty they're connected to when it's right here at their fingertips. Without waiting for Dean, he wanders towards the cabin and begins taking the stairs. He'd like to see the lake on the other side. More urgently, he'd like to see the bathroom. Being nearly human is incredibly inconvenient. ]
[ He still has that picture somewhere, stashed in the impala. It's a pipe dream of an old mans life. A fishing pier, a quiet lake. A small canoe, maybe. Things Dean know he will never have for himself, experiencing them only fleetingly or in dreams. ]
Uh huh. [ He watches Cas wander off, brow raised because Cas is definitely making a beeline towards something, and when Dean realizes what he's doing he chuckles to himself. ]
Oh, now he understands the need to be a little human.
[ The memory of that night spent with Dean more intimately than he's ever been with anyone else, fleeting though it was, is precious enough to him that he will be grateful for it forever, even if he never experiences another private night like that one with Dean again. Sometimes, experiencing things fleetingly is experience enough.
Except urinating. Castiel could have gone his entire existence without experiencing the pressure of a full bladder, however fleeting this experience is. ]
I'm not human. And I'm far from "little."
[ Castiel reminds Dean tersely, the idyllic picture of private time spent with Dean at a lakeside cabin ruined by the embarrassingly human requirements of his grace-deprived body. He tries the doorknob at the top of the steps, and miraculously it opens. Castiel doesn't waste time in taking in the furnishings. He finds the nearest bathroom, and manages to relieve himself, wash his hands, and drink from the sink all with relative ease. The mirror proves a distraction, though. Most of the blood had been cleaned away by Dean the day prior, but his knuckles and cheek remain bruised. His side aches slightly, but the bandage is clean, and even though his shirt is ripped and bloodstained, Castiel gives in to the urge to button it back up, anyway. With the tie, his blazer and jacket in place, it almost disguises the terrible condition his shirt is in. He doesn't want to worry about his clothing right now, or the hollow pain of his stomach. There will be time for that later, once Dean is settled.
Castiel leaves the bathroom and wanders the cabin at a more leisurely pace as he takes in the "rustic" decor, the clean-smelling furniture, and the many appliances during his search for Dean. It's much cleaner and larger than the motels Dean and Sam usually stay in. It feels like someone's home. He can imagine Dean living here. If he allows his imagination to wander dangerously far, he can imagine living here himself, with Dean. ]
You're right, I'm sorry. You're not little or human.
[ Touchy.
He kinda gets why, though. It's not a great sign that this is happening, and it's probably a lot more shocking to Cas than it is to Dean.
Leaving the angel alone to take care of business in the bathroom, Dean heads out to the car to get what little they've got - his duffle, his collection of phones, the oil. He wants it all in here for safekeeping, plus he could stand a shower and a change of clothes, anyway.
And, there's a washing machine here. He desperately needs to do laundry.
He's in the process of loading said washer When he hears Cas call his name, and he pokes his head out, brows up. ]
[ Regardless of what's happening to Castiel after the draining of his grace, it isn't Dean who's responsible, and he certainly wasn't intending for Dean to apologize for his remark. Still, it does help soften his frustration to hear it. There's something satisfying about relieving himself also that Castiel decides not to examine too closely. Being human is infinitely strange, and as Dean correctly stated, he's only experiencing a "little" of it. He can't imagine how Dean manages to live this way all the time.
He's reminded of that fact as he finds Dean putting his clothing into the washing machine. Of course. That's very resourceful. He steps aside and leans against the wall, gesturing for Dean to continue. ]
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.
lmfao why is cas right, there's something so satisfying about a good pee
[ It's nice to not have to pay to wash his clothes for once. It even nicer to not have to wash them in a fucking bathtub with motel soap, because he and Sam have definitely done that when they were low on cash. He throws everything he's got into the heavy duty washer - socks, jeans, his plaid, tees, all his Dickies and Carhartt shirts - and tosses a packet of detergent in.
Talk about satisfying.
He closes the lid, leans on the machine and lifts his brows. ]
[ Though the clothes are in the machine and the job seems finished, from what Castiel can tell, he offers anyway. ]
Is there anything I can help you with?
[ Castiel has never done laundry before, and he has no idea what else Dean normally does to get settled into a place where he's going to be spending some time. When he arrives at the motels, Dean and Sam are already comfortable. But if there's anything he can do to make the job easier for Dean, he'd like to do it. He's just awoken from sleeping that has helped him heal, however slightly. Meanwhile, Dean spent that time driving. He should rest, and Castiel would like to help Dean get to it in any way he can. ]
[ He's also thinking about dinner - he'd gotten some supplies at the gas station (alcohol, snacks), but there's not really anything for miles around here. No diners, no dive bars. He'll have to make a grocery run once he gets Cas settled. ]
Nah, not really. I just wanted to wash my clothes while we're here. You wanna wash what's left of yours?
[ Cas is looking a little bit like something the cat dragged in, as much as he's tried to his his mangled and bloodied shirt. ]
[ Humans are incredibly inventive to have made a machine that washes their clothes for them. It's a relief to Castiel that Dean won't be taxed by it. The offer startles him, not because he hadn't considered cleaning his clothes also (and it's generous of Dean to offer), but because the clothes in question are currently on his body. ]
I have no other clothing to change into.
[ Castiel isn't particularly self-conscious, given his "body" isn't actually what he looks like, but being naked in public is generally against common human social practices as Castiel understands them. More importantly, being naked around Dean has taken on a different significance, and he isn't sure if Dean means to be inviting intimacy or the nakedness of this situation would be embarrassing, as he suspects, rather than arousing. ]
[ God bless modern technology, indeed. Especially when it's free, and he doesn't have to shovel quarters in and wait on it for a few hours. ]
Just wear something of mine. Or go naked. Since when are you modest?
[ He'll hold a hand out, a brow lifted. Give him those dirty clothes, Cas. His duffles right there on the floor, Cas can pick something out. There's some clean stuff; jeans, a Led Zeppelin shirt. ]
[ When Dean's hand is held out expectantly, Castiel's begins tugging open his tie immediately, as if the offer had been a command. There's very little he would refuse, when it comes to Dean, and certainly not a request to lose clothing, when he finds clothing in general to be an uncomfortable inconvenience, originally intended to provide protection from the elements, then taken to a puritanical extreme. ]
If it's alright.
[ It's an extreme Dean seems to have embraced, always covered from head to toe, shying away from nudity generally outside of intimate encounters, which has Castiel eyeing him curiously now as he hands over his tie (why wouldn't it get washed with the rest?), and his coat, and his bloodied and ripped shirt. There's bruising on the skin of his bare chest still that hasn't healed, and the stark white of the bandage at his side is clean, but the wound remains only superficially closed beneath. Though there's an uncomfortable tug each time he stretches his arms to remove his clothing, it's ignored. Castiel's attention is entirely on Dean as he tries to suss out the difference. He hesitates to ask outright, but ultimately gives in to the urge. ]
[ He takes everything Cas gives him and dumps it into the wash - save the tie, that he'll spot clean separately, try to get as much blood out as he can. He turns, gives Cas a little privacy while he turns on the washer and dabs at the tie, though he glances over his shoulder at the question.
It's a good one - and it's one he isn't sure how to answer. Has it changed? Yes, fundamentally, on a molecular level. Dean swears he can feel his blood race when Cas gets close, his heart speeds up, the mark on his shoulder throbs.
But, then again, maybe it hasn't. Maybe all of this has been there all along - the emotions, the stolen glances, the tangible pressure Dean always feels under his skin whenever they get too close to one another.
We're like Chernobyl.
It's easy to blame what he feels on that, now that he knows - it's just his soul reacting to Cas' grace, right? That's what has the blush rising in his cheeks as his eyes skim over Cas' form, that's what has him in lonely motel bathrooms, a hand on his cock, Cas' face in his mind.
That's not the case though, and maybe in the beginning Dean didn't recognize it for what it was, for what he was thinking or feeling, but he thinks he does now.
[ The relationship Castiel shares with Dean was ordained by Heaven, once. He believed he was tasked by God Himself to locate Dean's soul in Hell, to find every flayed piece and join them together with a decayed body made whole. It was his mission to protect and guide Dean through his trials, and to prepare him for occupation by Michael.
He failed at that. God betrayed him, along with humanity, and Castiel betrayed Heaven for them. For Dean. Their relationship was once easy for him to understand, but now it's undeniably human. They're allies, certainly. And they're friends, he believes. But the newly added intimate side of their relationship has him puzzled. He loves Dean, and he believes that Dean loves him, in some way, but he hesitates to put a name to it. Dean doesn't offer any elucidation on the matter, and so Castiel is left to wonder. He watches Dean scrub at his tie by hand, unsure if it's necessity or preference that has him clean it separately from the rest, but he appreciates the metaphor it creates. He feels cared for by Dean. Dean is gentle with him in a way he never was before, and Castiel's admiration and love for Dean have only grown stronger. ]
I was worried that my friendship with you had made me weaker, even before losing my grace. To separate oneself from one's kind is to be alone, and to be alone is to be vulnerable.
[ That's how humans feel when they're stripped naked, isn't it? Castiel is practically human now, and stripped down to his boxers, he's practically naked. Even though he's in Dean's presence, though, he doesn't feel any more vulnerable for it. He feels the opposite. Emboldened by the idea, he steps forward to close the distance between himself and Dean. He rests his hands gently on Dean's hips, and leans in to kiss the little bit of exposed skin he finds of Dean's neck, just above Dean's shirt collars. ]
When I'm with you, though, I don't feel alone. Though I am as weak as I'd feared I'd become, paradoxically, I feel stronger.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
It will heal me.
[ Castiel's hands fist petulantly at his sides, and he stares up at the Impala's ceiling as he feels in its full intensity the throb of pain in his side, the coolness of the alcohol on his skin, and the warmth of Dean's hands. He wants Dean to lie with him in this nest of motel blanket that smells like the gently floral shampoo in Dean's hair, encased in metal and leather of the place Dean calls home. He wants to forget that he's injured, forget that he's lost most of his grace, and forget that there is a war between angels and the end of the world to prevent. But he can't forget any of it, any more than he can forget the taste of Dean's mouth on his lips. Once Dean's taped the clean bandage to his skin, Castiel pulls Dean's hands away, careful to make his grip firm in order to mask any remaining shaking of them. ]
I only need to rest. And you need to drive.
no subject
[ Sassy, sassy. He holds a hand up in defeat, shaking his head. He won't press the issue, but there's physical evidence there's something wrong, that Cas isn't healing like he should be. All Dean knows to do is patch him up like he would his brother.
With a little more care, though.
Dean's used to slapping Sam back together and running right back into a fight - or vice versa. With Cas, he's more careful, gentle. Soft and sweet, the hands of a lover as opposed to a soldier.
He's struck with the fantastic notion to just run, take those hands Cas has wrapped around his, pulling them away from the bandages, and run.
As far away as they can get. Cancun. Alaska. Another planet. Anywhere but here, any place but this.
He wets his lips, presses them together as he watches Cas, gripping his hands just as tightly. ]
Ever wanna just...not do what you need to?
no subject
Often. And until recently, I've done what I was ordered to do, anyway. Usually to your detriment.
[ Of course Castiel feels the need for rebellion. Even before he'd sided with Dean and humanity, he'd questioned the orders he was given. To release Sam into Lilith's clutches and break the final seal on Lucifer's cage. To recruit Dean to torture information out of Alistair. To threaten the leveling of a city as a test of Dean's convictions.
Dean knows all of that (or most of it). That's not why he's asking. It's easy enough to read Dean's doubt there in his beautifully expressive eyes. Castiel looks down at their joined hands again as he considers their options. He slides his fingers over Dean's, links them together. ]
You said Sam that had a partner, Rufus. He's in contact with Bobby as well. If you believe they're not in immediate need of your help, it may be more conducive to the recovery of my grace if I were to rest somewhere... peaceful. A cabin in a forest, for example. Somewhere near a lake.
no subject
Yeah, well. You make up for it.
[ He doesn't know Cas let Sam out - not yet. Admittedly it will piss Dean off, but what's done is done and in the end, there's nothing that Dean can do about it now except try to fix what got fucked up best he can, somehow.
And maybe...sneak a reward for himself in the process, in the form of whatever this...thing is developing between them. ]
Yeah, Rufus is with him. It's a standard monster hunt. No Lucifer, no demon, just a baddie that needs to be iced. [ Sam is more than capable, and since it isn't a demon, Dean isn't overly worried about the blood thing. ]
I'm sure I can find a place like that.
[ Because holy shit that sounds...really nice. He'll squeeze Cas' hands before letting go, pulling back and out of the car so he can shut the door and call his brother, explain a little more about what's going on - Cas isn't healing like he should, he needs to go somewhere and recover and Dean feels like he should watch over him, cause you know him, Sammy, he's as bad as us, thinks he's invincible or something when right now, he isn't.
Sam will just laugh, and Dean can practically hear him shake his head and he feels good, better about this, because Sam laughs and he's safe and it's okay. They're talking. They're good. It's fine.
Sam updates Dean about the case, too - it's just a vengeful spirit, it turns out. Nothing world ending, for once. Just the stuff they used to hunt, ages ago. He tells Dean to be careful, to stay under the angel radar as much as he can - the brands on their ribs protect them but he isn't sure about Cas, if Zachariah can track him or what.
We'll be fine, I'm gonna take him somewhere quiet. When you're done with that, get your ass back to Bobby's and you call me, you understand?
I hear you, Dean.
He hangs up, because the Winchesters really just don't have any phone etiquette, and slides into the drivers seat, resting his hands on the impala. He has an idea about where to go, a secluded place he's sort of half assed researched before in his free time, if just because he liked the idea of it. It isn't all that far from here, a few hours drive at most. A quick survey of a map puts the route in his head, and he folds it up before glancing over his shoulder. ]
You okay back there, Cas? Hangin' in?
no subject
Castiel can only just barely make out Dean's voice through the door as he talks on his phone, but the conversation sounds lighthearted. That's good. As long as Dean and Sam remain on good terms, maybe it doesn't matter that there's distance between them. Castiel isn't entirely sure how that works. The relationship with his brothers and sisters is nothing like Dean and Sam's and never was.
The bleeding seems to have stopped, so Castiel chances careful slow movements. He pulls the blanket back up over his chest and curls his head under his arm so that he can see Dean's profile in the rearview mirror. The pain isn't gone, but it's dulled back to a quiet throbbing warmth. ]
Yes, the bedding is very comfortable. Thank you.
[ His eyelids threaten to fall shut, heavy with exhaustion, but he keeps them opened, watching Dean's reflection with interest and quiet concern. ]
How is Sam?
no subject
Glad to hear it. [ A quick glance in the rearview has him meeting Cas' eyes, and this time he does smile, reassuring. ]
Sam's fine. It's just a pissed off spirit. Rufus is good backup - they'll be fine. Once they're finished, he'll go back to Bobby's and lay low for a while.
[ It's the best scenario Dean can come up with right now - especially with Cas being hurt like he is, and between the brothers and their dueling savior complexes, it's the only compromise he can think of. ]
You should get some rest, Cas. I'll wake you when we get there.
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Castiel nods and lets his heavy eyelids fall closed, even before he answers. ]
That's good to hear. Wake me sooner if the need arises.
[ He's very tired, exhausted enough that as soon as his eyes are closed, his breathing begins to even out and his thoughts start to wander. Still, if Dean needs him before the trip is over, he wants to be awake for it. He may not be of any use in a fight or similar distress, but if Dean is lonely and needs company on the drive, at least that's something he could provide. Castiel realized at some point that as much as he takes pride in being a resource at Dean's (and humanity's) disposal, he doesn't just want to be that. He takes pride in being Dean's friend just as much, and he'd considered that something of a selfish desire before now. Now, he thinks that Dean might need a friend even more than an angel, at least until the dissonance with his brother is resolved. ]
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That's what humans do, isn't it.
Jeez, that's a terrifying thought. Cas actually asleep, like the rest of humanity...
It worries Dean. A lot.
He exhales long and slow through his nose, checks his phone every so often. Sam's keeping him updated, but he's still...stressed. He's stressed about everything. About his brother, about his Back to the Future trip, about confrontations with Zachariah, about the wounded angel in his backseat...
Fucks sake. It's far too much for someone to handle, but he is doing the best he can with the cards he's been dealt. And right now, he's driving them to an isolated cabin he knows of, somewhere a few hours out. The silence is boring, but it gives him time to take a few breaths and calm down.
He only stops once for gas and more bandages, a few snacks and a quick pee, but Cas doesn't budge, which concerns Dean until he sees the angels chest rising and falling.
Eventually, he'll pull up the drive into the cabin; it's pretty out there, no neighbors in sight. It's all solar, off grid. No wifi, but there's a tower just close enough to provide cell reception. Situated on a serene lake, it's a little mountain oasis - precisely the kind of thing he's always craved.
Gently, when he's parked, he'll shake Cas awake. ]
Cas. We're here.
okay but that's a nice cabin???? now i want a vacay there
The memory of his dreams of Heaven and all their terror fades almost instantly once Dean's hand is on his shoulder, rousing him. Castiel's eyes blink open, and he lifts his head. The wound in his stomach is barely an itch, and so he sits up almost immediately without thinking about it. Luckily, it only tugs and doesn't tear. Castiel barely grimaces, his attention divided instead between Dean there in front of him and the view of forest through the Impala's windows. ]
How was the drive?
[ He should've asked how long they'd be in the car before they'd left, out of concern for Dean, but he was exhausted. It's not a very good excuse, but now that he's feeling recovered somewhat, he searches Dean's face for signs of wear. ]
lmfao right??? dean has taste
[ Angels. Always thinking they're invincible. Tsk. ]
Not bad. Quiet. You snore, though.
[ He leans in, offers a hand. Dean is smiling at his little joke (but Cas does snore, just a little bit), but he looks weary - physically and mentally. There are circles under red rimmed eyes, lids a little puffy.
He's fine, though. Just needs an hour nap at some point and he'll be good as new. ]
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My apologies.
[ Dean looks as if he could use rest himself, so Castiel makes a note to mention it once they're inside. He unravels himself from the blanket, leaving it abandoned in the car as he takes Dean's hand, grateful for the assistance up out of the seat. Before he's even completely standing, he's looking around. It's not the view he'd pictured, likely because the lake is on the other side of the cabin and trees. Already, though, the view is peaceful. The road they must've driven down is empty now. There are insect noises and birdsong, and other than Dean himself and the cabin in front of them, no sign of human life anywhere. This is perfect, Castiel decides instantly. If Dean is going to get the rest he needs anywhere, it will be here. ]
This is lovely. Where are we?
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Somewhere in Indiana. [ He thinks. ] I saw this place in a picture once, when I was a kid. I cut it out of a magazine, and later, when the internet came around, I finally found out where it was. The owners used to go away a lot, it was just some old retired couple. Their kids own it now, they never come here, so they just rent it out. They live somewhere in the suburbs of Indianapolis. This is too 'rustic'.
[ But Dean likes it. It has charm. He could never afford this on his own, but...
A splurge. Or maybe an illegal stay, who's to say. ]
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The story paints a vivid picture, and Castiel is far more interested in Dean reminiscing about his childhood and his dreams of this place than of its physical location. He watches Dean as Dean explains his relation to this place and where the owners are, and then Castiel gives his attention back to the forest and the cabin in front of them. ]
Isn't it strange that an angel could feel more connection to nature than some humans, when we're so much further apart from it.
[ Castiel's true form doesn't even exist in the same dimension as the physical forms the Earth has birthed. It's a shame to think that some people might not appreciate the beauty they're connected to when it's right here at their fingertips. Without waiting for Dean, he wanders towards the cabin and begins taking the stairs. He'd like to see the lake on the other side. More urgently, he'd like to see the bathroom. Being nearly human is incredibly inconvenient. ]
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Uh huh. [ He watches Cas wander off, brow raised because Cas is definitely making a beeline towards something, and when Dean realizes what he's doing he chuckles to himself. ]
Oh, now he understands the need to be a little human.
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Except urinating. Castiel could have gone his entire existence without experiencing the pressure of a full bladder, however fleeting this experience is. ]
I'm not human. And I'm far from "little."
[ Castiel reminds Dean tersely, the idyllic picture of private time spent with Dean at a lakeside cabin ruined by the embarrassingly human requirements of his grace-deprived body. He tries the doorknob at the top of the steps, and miraculously it opens. Castiel doesn't waste time in taking in the furnishings. He finds the nearest bathroom, and manages to relieve himself, wash his hands, and drink from the sink all with relative ease. The mirror proves a distraction, though. Most of the blood had been cleaned away by Dean the day prior, but his knuckles and cheek remain bruised. His side aches slightly, but the bandage is clean, and even though his shirt is ripped and bloodstained, Castiel gives in to the urge to button it back up, anyway. With the tie, his blazer and jacket in place, it almost disguises the terrible condition his shirt is in. He doesn't want to worry about his clothing right now, or the hollow pain of his stomach. There will be time for that later, once Dean is settled.
Castiel leaves the bathroom and wanders the cabin at a more leisurely pace as he takes in the "rustic" decor, the clean-smelling furniture, and the many appliances during his search for Dean. It's much cleaner and larger than the motels Dean and Sam usually stay in. It feels like someone's home. He can imagine Dean living here. If he allows his imagination to wander dangerously far, he can imagine living here himself, with Dean. ]
Dean?
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[ Touchy.
He kinda gets why, though. It's not a great sign that this is happening, and it's probably a lot more shocking to Cas than it is to Dean.
Leaving the angel alone to take care of business in the bathroom, Dean heads out to the car to get what little they've got - his duffle, his collection of phones, the oil. He wants it all in here for safekeeping, plus he could stand a shower and a change of clothes, anyway.
And, there's a washing machine here. He desperately needs to do laundry.
He's in the process of loading said washer When he hears Cas call his name, and he pokes his head out, brows up. ]
Yeah? What's up?
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He's reminded of that fact as he finds Dean putting his clothing into the washing machine. Of course. That's very resourceful. He steps aside and leans against the wall, gesturing for Dean to continue. ]
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.
lmfao why is cas right, there's something so satisfying about a good pee
[ It's nice to not have to pay to wash his clothes for once. It even nicer to not have to wash them in a fucking bathtub with motel soap, because he and Sam have definitely done that when they were low on cash. He throws everything he's got into the heavy duty washer - socks, jeans, his plaid, tees, all his Dickies and Carhartt shirts - and tosses a packet of detergent in.
Talk about satisfying.
He closes the lid, leans on the machine and lifts his brows. ]
What is it, Cas?
being human is super weird, no lie
Is there anything I can help you with?
[ Castiel has never done laundry before, and he has no idea what else Dean normally does to get settled into a place where he's going to be spending some time. When he arrives at the motels, Dean and Sam are already comfortable. But if there's anything he can do to make the job easier for Dean, he'd like to do it. He's just awoken from sleeping that has helped him heal, however slightly. Meanwhile, Dean spent that time driving. He should rest, and Castiel would like to help Dean get to it in any way he can. ]
it really is ffs
Nah, not really. I just wanted to wash my clothes while we're here. You wanna wash what's left of yours?
[ Cas is looking a little bit like something the cat dragged in, as much as he's tried to his his mangled and bloodied shirt. ]
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I have no other clothing to change into.
[ Castiel isn't particularly self-conscious, given his "body" isn't actually what he looks like, but being naked in public is generally against common human social practices as Castiel understands them. More importantly, being naked around Dean has taken on a different significance, and he isn't sure if Dean means to be inviting intimacy or the nakedness of this situation would be embarrassing, as he suspects, rather than arousing. ]
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Just wear something of mine. Or go naked. Since when are you modest?
[ He'll hold a hand out, a brow lifted. Give him those dirty clothes, Cas. His duffles right there on the floor, Cas can pick something out. There's some clean stuff; jeans, a Led Zeppelin shirt. ]
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If it's alright.
[ It's an extreme Dean seems to have embraced, always covered from head to toe, shying away from nudity generally outside of intimate encounters, which has Castiel eyeing him curiously now as he hands over his tie (why wouldn't it get washed with the rest?), and his coat, and his bloodied and ripped shirt. There's bruising on the skin of his bare chest still that hasn't healed, and the stark white of the bandage at his side is clean, but the wound remains only superficially closed beneath. Though there's an uncomfortable tug each time he stretches his arms to remove his clothing, it's ignored. Castiel's attention is entirely on Dean as he tries to suss out the difference. He hesitates to ask outright, but ultimately gives in to the urge. ]
Dean, has our relationship changed?
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It's a good one - and it's one he isn't sure how to answer. Has it changed? Yes, fundamentally, on a molecular level. Dean swears he can feel his blood race when Cas gets close, his heart speeds up, the mark on his shoulder throbs.
But, then again, maybe it hasn't. Maybe all of this has been there all along - the emotions, the stolen glances, the tangible pressure Dean always feels under his skin whenever they get too close to one another.
We're like Chernobyl.
It's easy to blame what he feels on that, now that he knows - it's just his soul reacting to Cas' grace, right? That's what has the blush rising in his cheeks as his eyes skim over Cas' form, that's what has him in lonely motel bathrooms, a hand on his cock, Cas' face in his mind.
That's not the case though, and maybe in the beginning Dean didn't recognize it for what it was, for what he was thinking or feeling, but he thinks he does now.
And that scares the hell out of him. ]
I dunno. Has it, Cas?
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He failed at that. God betrayed him, along with humanity, and Castiel betrayed Heaven for them. For Dean. Their relationship was once easy for him to understand, but now it's undeniably human. They're allies, certainly. And they're friends, he believes. But the newly added intimate side of their relationship has him puzzled. He loves Dean, and he believes that Dean loves him, in some way, but he hesitates to put a name to it. Dean doesn't offer any elucidation on the matter, and so Castiel is left to wonder. He watches Dean scrub at his tie by hand, unsure if it's necessity or preference that has him clean it separately from the rest, but he appreciates the metaphor it creates. He feels cared for by Dean. Dean is gentle with him in a way he never was before, and Castiel's admiration and love for Dean have only grown stronger. ]
I was worried that my friendship with you had made me weaker, even before losing my grace. To separate oneself from one's kind is to be alone, and to be alone is to be vulnerable.
[ That's how humans feel when they're stripped naked, isn't it? Castiel is practically human now, and stripped down to his boxers, he's practically naked. Even though he's in Dean's presence, though, he doesn't feel any more vulnerable for it. He feels the opposite. Emboldened by the idea, he steps forward to close the distance between himself and Dean. He rests his hands gently on Dean's hips, and leans in to kiss the little bit of exposed skin he finds of Dean's neck, just above Dean's shirt collars. ]
When I'm with you, though, I don't feel alone. Though I am as weak as I'd feared I'd become, paradoxically, I feel stronger.
now im picturing this thread and s6 repercussions with THIS involved thanks for that brain fuck lol
:,) i'm glad and you're welcome for this pain
f m l (also wow its good jimmy isn't in that vessel anymore, he got way more than he bargained for)
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how dare you write me poetry over gas station sandwiches???
LMFAO i got carried away and at the end was like ok, dial back Cat, its a sammich, its not that srs
no it was beautiful. also very IC for mr. "hey i read" and what he reads is tolstoy
i am NOT reading tolstoy lmfao
okay ig, but only if you play 1,225 pages of rp with me instead
okay that seems fair
8) nice
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i just. couldn't bring myself to be cruel
oh good. save all that for endversedean. :,)
ffff sob he's such a broken baby
me: i like happy endings. also me: endverse best verse
i mean i see the logic here
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wait was this my tag THE WHOLE TIME askghahjka i hecked up
lmfao me over here refreshing my inbox on repeat like mO_Om
SAME THO i played myself :,)
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gently covers the date of this tag with my hand
i am no better apparently; what the fuck dw
i can't believe dw hates destiel
im genuinely mad about it
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